For a too long I navigated life with lenses of anger, resentment, and fear. I was afraid of love, and quite honestly, just didn’t know how to accept genuine kindness and affection. I was treated like sh*t a lot in my life, so I really believed that to be true.
Part of it was out of my control, at the hands of my beautiful and imperfect loved ones.
The other part of it was from my own doing, in bringing those same dynamics to life in my other relationships, based on the belief that I wasn’t worth much. So I people-pleased. A LOT. I do a lot of self-talk and make sure I do consider myself now.
For a while, I just couldn’t snap out of those dynamics, or those belief systems, because it was SO deep and its roots were at the CORE of my soul. But I was determined to change it, because I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to die, because that was my life. I hated every second of it, and I WAS THE ONE who held onto this idea of life and implemented those beliefs for so long. And it did serve me, at the time for survival. But TODAY… it just destroys me, and I deteriorate, forfeiting a life of abundance in that state of being.
So I disappeared, when I was afraid because I didn’t believe I was shit! And I didn’t know how to speak up, or stand firm in what I felt or believed, whenever someone disagreed or was upset with me, or upset me. And most of the time, I didn’t have anything to say because I didn’t have the energy, or I just didn’t see the point in talking to someone that was set on misunderstanding me.
But there were PLENTY of times where I shut myself down, when I should have spoken up.
Everything and everyone. Not being “perfect.” And a huge part of that thinking came from my Christian upbringing, as a Pastor’s kid that was judged and micro-analyzed, and “molded” to be a “good example” to the world. I mean… phew. Forget my humanity. Hard doesn’t begin to describe that experience.
And to some, it’s not, and that’s just what it is. But to me, it was. That was the foundation of my faith, of my spiritual walk, of my spiritual beliefs of God and myself. I was living a life in pursuit of perfection, and I wanted to die and disappear every single time I fell short. I didn’t believe I was worthy of ANYTHING good when I was stuck in my imperfections, because if it was negative or bad it meant the devil was near. So I demonized a lot of negative emotions and experiences, when in reality, they were normal, real and just human.
So how could I possibly be happy? How could I possibly claim to be myself? Truthfully, I didn’t feel like I had been myself, nor present, for a loooong time. Too long. I was a constant force of energy, bouncing from place-to-place, not having anything that I could truly depend on, with no true and set foundation for ME. And that was my fault, in a lot of ways. But in a lot of other ways, it wasn’t.
Regardless of fault, I knew one thing: it was MY responsibility to change it. Life comes with guarantees of death and pain. And at one point, that meant despair and hopelessness. But now, I see those two circumstances as FUEL. They are inevitable, and often carry the GREATEST lessons that I have ever learned. They are filled with lessons that we truly NEED. Purpose and hope are also guaranteed, with the condition that you have faith. That is always the best source of strength.
So often we are focused on happiness, love, joy and all the good things in life. And we should be, so we don’t lose hope. But I have learned that I cannot deny or pretend that pain and death don’t exist, or visit often. So I had to come to peace with that, I had to find the good in that darkness. I had to change my life around, and see things differently. I needed to trust that the darkness would produce in me a different strength, and would give me all the tools I need to survive this sometime-cold-sometime-phenomenal world. I needed the darkness to teach me to find my way, no matter the circumstances.
This is a dynamic life we live full of hypocrisies, inconsistencies, extremes, and crazy experiences. But I’ve learned to coexist with both the good and the bad, not carrying fear in my heart. I am no longer demonizing myself or others for their imperfections and shortcomings. I am no longer carrying the pain as something that doesn’t belong, nor am I clinging. Because it belongs there, just as much as my joy, and it deserves the time, the honor, and the acknowledgment. And then I deserve to release it. I’m also extending grace, love, and compassion to others in the same way I show it to myself, because we all need it and deserve it now more than ever.
This is just the beginning. I hope that if you are someone that relates, you feel encouraged. I see you. I understand you. And I will share my journey with you, for as long as I can. Negativity is overflowing in this world. I hope this little flutter of positivity makes its way to your eyes, to soothe your grieving heart.
Eternally, Daniposa 💛🦋